A reader named Jen had a bit of a fling. Or a craigslist re-fling, as the case may be. And she’s wondering if it might be possible that he’s for real. The request is pretty long, so here are the bullet points. Peeeow-peeow!!! (That’s what bullet points sound like at my house when my lady is away and I make sound effects for things.)

She met Summer Guy while working a summer job 8 years ago. They had a summer fling, summer lovin’ had they a bla-hast, but when she was going back across the country to her home, they broke up.

He hitch hiked across country to “win her back” but she had already begun seeing someone else whom she stayed with until a year ago.

(Background on him, he’s a “nomad” with no stable job, and she’s in a very rigid career. I smell a sitcommmmmm!)

She had a dream about him, and emailed him at Craigslist. He said he wanted her to come see him, then he said he was going to be in HER area (though he was really a several hour drive away.)

They hump for 4 days straight. He says all kinds of nice things, unsolicited.
He leaves for home.

Craigslist Omaha

Craigslist Knoxville

Craigslist Akron

Craigslist Milwaukee

“A couple days later I get an email saying that he’s spent the past couple days thinking about me and what happened between us, that he thinks it was “important”, but that he’s “not sure what he expects from that realization.” But that he loved our time together, “wants to figure out how to have more of it” and hopes I’m thinking something similar.“

“And then……………nothing for two weeks. Not a peep. Just when I’m thinking I’m never going to hear from him again, he sends me a two-line email. It basically has no content, just makes a joke about the way I pronounce something, says it’s adorable, and then asks me to please come to his side of the country during some time off i have next month.“

“Do you think this guy could be gun-shy? Is it totally ridiculous that I’m even considering the possibility of something non-casual with someone whose lifestyle is so obviously not suited for that? But then, people change, right? Based on the facts, do you think his little two-liner visit request was sort of a cross-country booty-call? If he was genuinely interested in something more serious (even down the line), he’d be calling me or writing me proper emails, right?Assuming that he’s not really interested in something more serious, what the hell was the point of all the serious future-related talk during our time together? I wasn’t asking for it, I wasn’t encouraging it. This was all him. What would he get out of that if he had no intention of following up on it? Craigslist guys confuse me so much….”

Dear Jen,

Ok, here’s what I’m seeing. No. This guy is not gun-shy. He wouldn’t know a gun if it came up and shot him in his surfboard-carrying ass. What you had there was an “adventure.” And that’s what this craigslist guy is up for. I’m not going to say it’s all about the sex, though that’s part of it. What it’s all about is the thrill. He’s a bit of a “Romantic” as I have written about before.

THE ROMANTIC REVISITED

Just for review purposes, the “Romantic” is the guy who loves the drama, the thrill, the excitement — more than the woman herself. This craigslist guy seems to have a slight variation on the theme. He doesn’t seem as addicted to getting YOU addicted as some Romantics are. He just seems to like to flit around, any way the wind blows. Seasonal work, hitchhiking, unstable employment. This is a hobo-by-choice. A nomad, as you say. He loves the life of “take it as it comes.”

Craigslist Greenville

Craigslist Raleigh

Craigslist Syracuse

Craigslist Indianapolis

And that includes YOU, see. Sure, he went a few hours out of his way. But hell, I’d travel an extra couple hours for 4 days of humping. Especially after a long season on Deadliest Catch or whatever work it is that he does. Who knows what the kids are doing these days.

IS IT TOTALLY RIDICULOUS THAT YOU’RE EVEN CONSIDERING…

Let’s stop there. No, it’s not ridiculous that you’re considering it. Just don’t DO it. That would be ridonkulous. Totally redorkulous. This guy is not equipped for stability. I mean…if you want someone who is exactly like he is? Go for it. But it sounds like you don’t.

Hey look, it sounds like this guy is a LOT of fun for a 4 day romp. Great! Enjoy him for that. Just don’t put yourself into some position where he’s supposed to be “counted on.” Seems like he’s being pretty clear on that. You’re right — if he really wanted to spend his time with you, you’d be hearing from him a lot more.

He already has the life he wants. And it sounds like you do as well. And the two don’t seem to make much sense together. Not in a Romeo & Juliet sort of way. More in a “girl who takes in a stray Sasquatch” sort of way. Sure, it’s fun and exciting. But soon enough, he’s going to want to start pooping on your most precious quiltwork, and then where are you? (Just go with it, it’s a metaphor.)

WHY ALL THE FUTURE-RELATED TALK?

As per the Romantic’s creed, it’s all part of the drama. All part of the thrill of getting into mischief and adventure. Remember — forget what he SAYS and look at what he DOES. As in, he leaves, and doesn’t really make much of an effort to stay in touch.

Good luck, Jen. I’d say to let this one go. He’s not the droids your looking for. Move along.

What’s your take ladies? What’s up with Summer Guy?

————————————————————

(Complete Text of Manslation Request)

Hi Jeff!
I just found your site and I think it’s pretty hilarious. I have a sort of strange situation that I’d love to hear your take on.

So here’s the deal: eight years ago (when I was 20), I worked at a resort over the summer. Met a guy, fell in love (or what we *thought* was love), spent every day together for three months. Very sweet, naive sort of relationship. The problem was that our homes were on opposite sides of the country. He really wanted to stay together and do the long-distance thing, but I didn’t think it would work. Then he said he’d move across the country and transfer to my college. That terrified me, we never really resolved the issue. I went home and shortly thereafter ended up reuniting with an old friend/crush. I”m not a fickle person–this was someone I’d known for ten years and been half in love with for five. And suddenly he wanted me too. So, summer craigslist guy (who I’d only known for a few months) didn’t really stand a chance. Broke up with summer guy over the phone, started dating my old crush. Summer guy is devastated; hitchhikes across the country to see me and try to “win me back”.
It’s a sad affair.

So….I end up dating the old crush for 7 years, live together for 1. During that time, I exchange the odd email with summer guy, always initiated by him.

I broke up with my craigslist boyfriend almost a year ago, been dating around a bit since then.

Ok, so fast-forward to 3 weeks ago. I have a dream about summer guy. So I randomly email him the next day and tell him about it. He emails me right back, saying “crazy! i thought about you maybe 20 times yesterday…all day, things kept reminding me of you”. so then i replied saying, if you’re ever going to be in my city, we should go for a drink. Then I hear nothing for a couple weeks. And then an email saying that he’s actually going to be in my city for a few days. So we arrange to meet up (**just going to interject at this point to say that I sort of found out later that coming to see me might have actually been several hours out of his way).

So he comes, we go for a drink, have great converation for many hours, intense chemistry, reminisce about the past, yada yada. I start thinking to myself, holy crap, maybe I shouldn’t have let this one go. And he seems to have become more interesting over the years too. So then I commit probably the biggest mistake for a girl who has general interest in a guy–I sleep with him. For pretty much four days straight. And it’s the most insane, amazing sex ever. And also kind of sweet. And we don’t just have sex, we also go out to eat, rent movies, etc. He asks me to meet his sister, who also lives in my city. He tells me he’s told his sister all about me, about how things between us seem “real”, about how he hates the idea of “losing me twice”. He talks about how he doesn’t want to freak me out by suggesting that something real could come of it, he talks about how last time (i.e. 5 years ago), he pressured me to do long distance and he always regretted it, so he wouldn’t want
to do that again. He says he’s worried that leaving me’s going to be hard, and that he hates the idea of me dating other people. Anyway, I could go on, but I think you probably get the picture. Basically he says a whole lot of stuff that makes me think he’s interested in more than just sex with me. And just to make this clear–I was not the one initiating this kind of talk. And I wasn’t really encouraging it either. To be honest, I wasn’t totally sure how I felt, so I sort of kept quiet on the subject.

I guess I have to give you some background on this guy. Basically he’s been a nomad since the last time we dated. He doesn’t go to school, doesn’t have a stable job. He does seasonal work, travels, surfs, etc. His “main” place of residence is still across the country. He has no idea what his plans are in the future. Contrast with me–I’m in a very rigid career path. I’ll be living in three different cities in the next three years, I know exactly what I’ll be doing and where I’ll be. During our four-day romp, we talked about this stuff and he sort of “threw out” the idea that my life is rigid, but his is flexible, so… Also, for the next four months, he’s going to be working in the middle of nowhere (like literally the middle of nowhere) on the other side of the country.

Here’s where it gets weird. After our fling, he gets on a plane and leaves. A couple days later I get an email saying that he’s spent the past couple days thinking about me and what happened between us, that he thinks it was “important”, but that he’s “not sure what he expects from that realization.” But that he loved our time together, “wants to figure out how to have more of it” and hopes I’m thinking something similar. I write back and say i had a good time too, that it sort of took me by surprise, that our respective situations make it hard to talk about anything more seriously, but that i’d like to hang out again if we get the chance. We email back and forth a couple times, nothing concrete’s said about anything. He says he misses me, yada yada. And then……………nothing for two weeks. Not a peep. Just when I’m thinking I’m never going to hear from him again, he sends me a two-line email. It basically has no content, just makes a joke about the way I pronounce
something, says it’s adorable, and then asks me to please come to his side of the country during some time off i have next month.

What I’ve been programmed to think through my dating experiences is that if a guy is really interested in you for more than sex, he’s going to make an effort to consistently pursue you. He isn’t going to wait two weeks to email you back. He’s going to CALL you (this guy has my phone number. he, on the other hand, does not have a phone). He’s going to make definite plans to see you again. This guy is not doing those things. So I assume he’s not really interested.

But then I think this situation is kind of weird because (a) our history together, where I rejected him in a long-distance type of situation; (b) the fact that it’s so impracticable to talk about anything serious, especially right now, what with him going off for the next four months.

Do you think this guy could be gun-shy? Is it totally ridiculous that I’m even considering the possibility of something non-casual with someone whose lifestyle is so obviously not suited for that? But then, people change, right? Based on the facts, do you think his little two-liner visit request was sort of a cross-country booty-call? If he was genuinely interested in something more serious (even down the line), he’d be calling me or writing me proper emails, right?

Assuming that he’s not really interested in something more serious, what the hell was the point of all the serious future-related talk during our time together? I wasn’t asking for it, I wasn’t encouraging it. This was all him. What would he get out of that if he had no intention of following up on it? Guys confuse me so much….

Sorry so long–thanks so much for reading!

Jen