This is a very tough challenge.

Second, heartily agree with everything Jeff said.

Third, heartily agree with Bloomsbury Bell.

I would just add that you might want to go to a counselor alone. It might help you learn how to approach him over the issue. Definitely go together if he will.

It might help to break down the issue into manageable bites. The five year lackanooky is a manageable component that doesn’t directly shame him. Maybe start with that or something like that. If you can solve one issue, it might give you both some momentum and confidence to make it through the biggest.

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Heartfuls of prayers to all of you.
It’s wonderful that you are choosing to attempt resolution, especially re-your little daughters for whom HE is always ‘Dad’! Athough I cannot relate, I can imagine your horror, even simply as any woman who loves.

Words of JM and comrades give excellent soothing. Ms. AZ’s suggestion to visit therapist alone at-first and to deal with “one issue” at a time is very practical because YOU carry most of the load, here. It could do both of you well to focus first on the “feelings” of You & Husband for & toward each other.

You’re going to need some serious and various sustenance. Be good to yourSELF, on all levels. Set aside alone times to pray, to think, to cry. Yes–tears can enlighten & heal, especially when we least expect. Put tears to your work. Always believe that you are not alone, Dear Anna, and always expect that Joy is around the corner! Godspeed!

I agree with the counseling idea, and if your husband will not go, I strongly recommend you go by yourself. As Jeff said, there is a whole lot of “whoosh” that came out and it would be very helpful for you to have someone to talk through all of it openly and completely. Good luck.