I was recently giving advice-solicited advice, thank you!-to a friend of a friend and, well, she didn’t like what I had to say. After awhile she crossed her arms, frowned and said, “What you are suggesting is manipulation, not seduction!”

Smiling I said, “You are half right, but with one correction to your statement. Seduction IS MANIPULATION.”

Let’s see what Webster says:

Main Entry: ma·nip·u·late

Pronunciation: \mə-`ni-pyə-,lāt\

Function: transitive verb

Inflected Form(s): ma·nip·u·lat·ed; ma·nip·u·lat·ing

:to treat or operate with or as if with the hands or by mechanical means especially in a skillful manner.
2. a : to manage or utilize skillfully.

b : to control or play upon by artful, unfair, or insidious means especially to one’s own advantage.
3. : to change by artful or unfair means so as to serve one’s purpose.

Yep. Numbers 2-a, b, and 3. Before you self-righteously proclaim that you don’t “play games” and you just want to meet someone, have instant chemistry and have everything fall into place perfectly. I’ll tell you to go for it! Go live completely open and honest and vulnerable because I’m sure that neither of you will have any emotional baggage, scars, fears, or struggles and you both will trust openly with hearts of innocent children. You will always put each other first, never take each other for granted and give more than you take.

Um, yeah, right. How’s that workin’ for ya?

Everyone “plays games” so-to-speak, subconsciously because everyone DOES have emotional ‘stuff’ and for the most part, I believe, as a defense mechanism; to protect themselves because they have been hurt. Love is scary and being vulnerable and open for heartbreak is not fun. Game playing, seduction, manipulation or whatever you want to call it is just plain smart and in my opinion ethical to oneself. In the beginning, while you are qualifying him, deciding if he is worth the next date he only needs to know what you choose to let him know.

Whether your motive is to find love, friendship, or a casual fling, so long as you’re honest with the target of your seduction about those motives, it is ethical to your seduct-ee as well.

Let’s revisit those definitions again.

To manage or utilize skillfully. In seduction, you need to manage and utilize your own unique gifts of personality, looks, and talents. And skillfully decide what to show your target in action and words. Everything you show him, defines who you are. YOU have the ability to shape the definition he sees.

To control or play upon by artful, unfair, or insidious means especially to one’s own advantage. Sounds harsh, but everything I write on this blog is summed up here. The point is to give YOU the advantage in the sense that until you learn enough about your targeted man (to decide if he is worth it), you will protect your heart, body and mind. The seductive techniques I suggest do just that. They allow you time to assess who he is quickly before you invest too much of yourself and risk potential hurtful consequences. While you cannot protect yourself 100% from heartbreak or some negative consequence you will no doubt have the edge, the advantage. And that is the point.

I haven’t suggested lying about who you are or what you feel, HOWEVER, if you have to bend your behavior in words and actions that you may not be use to, or (harder for women) refrain from words or action when you normally would be acting all over the place, so be it. If it will protect you, help you grow as a person in confidence and success and aid you in seducing the man you desire, then I say go forth and manipulate.